Intentional Disparity?

When reading Toni Morrison’s Beloved, the thing I found myself struggling with the most was the seeming discrepancy between Sethe’s account of why she killed her daughter and the guilt she seems to be experiencing throughout the novel. In her account of Beloved’s death, Sethe describes the decision to murder and save her children as an independent choice of which she was sure. Though she continually refers to the fact that she had no one to talk to when learning how to be a mother, she establishes the fact that she did learn how to do it. She learned how to do it on her own. She made the decision to run away from Sweet Home and to kill Beloved without consulting anyone else - something she is especially proud of. In this passage seems to be the only moment in the novel where Sethe is truly self-assured, constructing herself as someone with agency. This is in contrast to Sethe’s behavior up to and beyond this point. Although we do not originally know its cause, this guilt can be seen in the way she withdraws from the black community of Cincinnati. In some ways, this can be attributed to the community (initially) shunning her, but the fact that she does not attempt to branch out is evidence enough for me to feel as though she does not entirely disagree with their judgment. Additionally, she does not share this story with Paul D for a long time, a man who can simply walk into a room and supposedly make women so vulnerable that they cry. Why would she not share something so important with someone who is apparently so easy to talk to, if not for shame or guilt? I suppose it could be possible to experience both emotions in such a complex situation. Even as the reader, you experience both horror and understanding. But there does not seem to be an intention to use this discrepancy as an emotional complexity, but it rather appears as disjointed. Other than this annoying fact, I loved and was completely behind Beloved.